This is an excerpt from a book by Clancy Martin, called “How Not to Kill Yourself.” It comes from the excellent Small Bow newsletter by former Gawker editor AJ Delaurio. (Trigger warning should be obvious).
“I make my own suffering so much worse when I struggle against the suffering, when I think the suffering is somehow a sign of something else or has to be turned off or is the cause for me to panic, to freak out, to attack or run away. For me the worst kind of suffering, the real ‘I want to kill myself’ kind of suffering, is always that second kind, the Freaking-Out-Over-Suffering kind of suffering. Sometimes that manifests as self-loathing. Sometimes that manifests itself as anxiety or despair. Sometimes that manifests itself as a kind of terrible claustrophobic panic. But it is always the second dart, not the first. So, if I can just tell myself, when I am struck by the first dart, let yourself feel that dart. Don’t do anything more about it. Just let that dart stab you. Then I may very well be a rabbit with his neck caught in a wire snare, but at least I’m not decapitating myself with my scramble against it.”
@mathewi So true.